Rappers Come Forward: Actually Endorsed By United States Department of the Treasury

Whether it be shoes, clothes, or cars, we as a people like it when a popular, significant person endorses a product we use. Advertising generates interest within a society, helps businesses and stimulates the economy. What then, however, is inspring people to get out of their store-bought home interiors and actually purchase the products they pine after from the comfort of a couch? Recent discoveries tell us that there is one very real, very gangsta answer: the rap industry.


In a flurry of press releases beginning with Rick Ross and extending throughout the network of popular rap stars, the United States Department of Treasury has been revealed to possess intimate relations within the hip-hop world that have been exploited for benefit.


"When [President Barack] Obama took office, we all could tell that things be changin'," says Ross, the first of many artists to be incorporated into what Congress is calling the Bling-Bling Bill: any musician with a well-established fan base and the means to transmit their music to a mass audience will be compensated by the U.S. Department of the Treasury for lyrical emphasis on spending to stimulate the economy. Basically, the rap industry hit a literal goldmine.


"It was like we was gettin' paid for nothin'," says fellow rapper T.I., who was serving a prison sentence when the bill was enacted under the noses of the American people. "It used to be when people'd be Googlin' my name Texas Instruments was the first page to come up, but now I paid them Google boys off and the King right back on top."


As for the sudden emergence of the bill in the media, an explanation became clear when we began interviewing government employees on the issue.


"We voted on the bill on July 5th," says an unnamed congressman, "people were tired and weren't exactly prepared for work after Independence Day and frankly, I'll be honest, it's when our government performs at its worst." Whether or not this particular congressman disagrees with the signing of the bill or simply rap music in general is unknown.


For the time being, the Bling-Bling Bill remains in effect, and artists outside the rap community have just begun to take advantage of its benefits: superstar Britney Spears is set to release her next album, Pay Me One More Time, early on in the new year and singer Adele, who recently encountered critical acclaim with her album 21, plans on titling her next surefire hit $21 Million.


"It's about time the music industry got some recognition for their influence on the public, I reckon," says Adele, who's new single "Rolling in the Dough" is slated for an early-January release. Time will tell if the British star is accurate in her statement, but for now life is looking pretty golden for the music industry.

Kanye West, Jay-Z and Kim Kardashian Behind NBA Lockout Conspiracy

When the NBA began locking its players out over a hundred days ago, professional New Jersey Nets basketball player Kris Humphries and professional something Kim Kardashian were engaged to be married. It was America's answer to Prince William and Kate Middleton--a highly publicized, romanticized relationship that the country's pop culture fiends could really sink their teeth into. Unfortunately, the lack of any sort of royal component in the wedding and the miserable length of time during which the two stayed married reduced the nuptials, as we have become so accustomed to in this nation, to a trashy money-making scheme. Score one for big-breasted Armenian socialites, score zero for the millions of starving people around the world who don't really get any nutritional benefits from watching E! at 10:00 o'clock on Sunday nights. Who knew?


Sensing something fishy about the whole nature of the "relationship" between Humphries and Kardashian, your IHC field reporters delved further into the mysterious events--and what was discovered may shock and appall those unprepared to hear it.


In an interview with an unnamed representative for rapper and entrepreneur Sean "Jay-Z" Carter, it was discovered that Humphries had multiple run-ins with the superstar at a very early age, all of which left Carter bitter and itching for revenge.


"Jay's been tryin' to find this kid for years," explains the rep, "him and his boys used to throw eggs and s**t at his house back in the early 90's, and if there's one thing you oughta know about Jay it's that he don't fuck around when somebody punks him."


Humphries, who was just hitting adolescence at the time of Carter's escalation into the upper tier of the rap community, was a notorious prankster as a child and would target specific celebrity homes in Brooklyn, New York to wreak havoc on late weekend nights. Unfortunately for Humphries, he hadn't anticipated his childhood shenanigans catching up with him in the future.


In talking to Carter's representative, I was able to uncover the astonishing truth about many of the events that have taken place over the past few months. To begin, Carter called upon his partner and closest confidant Kanye West to, as he put it, "lay groundwork on that big booty dime." Reports of West flirting and possibly having a sexual relationship with Kardashian emerged months after she began dating Humphries, and an anonymous New Jersey Nets teammate reported frequent instances of heavy sobbing coming from the locker room after practices.


But Jay-Z wasn't done yet.


As a partial owner of the Nets, he used both his financial power and deep connections within the hip-hop and business worlds to manipulate and intimidate every owner in the NBA into locking out their players.


"We got signed early editions of 'Watch the Throne', it was a pretty easy decision," says Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who sacrificed his anonymity in this piece for a private concert from Carter's wife, Beyonce. The other owners, content with the deal, have reportedly been receiving threatening calls from rap artists ranging from Rick Ross to Lil' Wayne, saying that if the lockout doesn't continue until Humphries goes broke they will "cap a mothafucka real quick" [sic].


With Humphries' economic stability under his control, Carter moved to act on the plot he hatched with West in the months prior by crushing his social life. Reviving his relationship with Kardashian, West made it a point to annihilate the marriage as quickly as possible.


"She been sayin' I was the one she shoulda married, all this s**t," says West. "She just wanted to make sure it lasted long enough to avoid an annulment, said there ain't no publicity in that."


Reporters have been unable to contact Humphries regarding the blatant destruction of his life currently taking place at the hands of the rap megastars, but close friends have said he spends "little time not balled up with a tub of ice cream on his bed."


I suppose he'll think twice before he throws his next egg.

Amish Teen Discovered in Possession of Spider-Man Powers

            
Anyone in America with their finger somewhere near the pulse of popular culture has heard of and has a basic understanding of Spider-Man. As humans, however, we are bound by the limitations of our physical environment and thus understand the notorious superhero as a work of fiction, more specifically that of comic books. While the actions and subsequent lessons learned from superheroes are applicable to everyday life and draw upon our emotions to improve their effectiveness, ultimately they are a source of entertainment in the form of an impossible reality—that is, until scientists revealed a miraculous discovery this weekend in the small, unimposing town of Sugarcreek, Ohio.

            
A tiny Amish community with a population of about 4,000, Sugarcreek is to America’s geography what the nipple is to the male anatomy: though performing virtually no function, it nonetheless exists. However, an important detail to remember when considering Sugarcreek is that amazing things are happening every day, no matter whom they happen to or where they happen. In the case of this tiny Ohio town, amazingness comes in the form of our beloved Spider-Man being brought to life.

            
Herbert Buckles, a seventeen-year-old farmhand born and raised in the heart of Sugarcreek, claims that two years ago he was bitten by a mysterious insect (now confirmed to be of the species arachnid) while tending to his family’s crops and has since then been blessed with incredible powers that have never been seen before—at least not in real life.

            
“It was about a day ‘er two after the sumbitch bit me,” explains Buckles, “and I was tryin’ to git this rake my Pa’d left up on the barn roof the day before. I was jumpin’ up, reachin’ for it, and soon enough I found myself stuck onto the wall like a gosh darn field slug.”

            
Buckles goes on to elaborate on his powers, which include spectacular strength he had been unable to summon prior to the bite and the ability to launch a sticky, web-like substance from his wrist, which he calls his “harvestin’ ropes”.

            
“It’s really sped up a lot of our work in the fields,” says Herbert’s father, Norman. “Whenever we’ve got a new harvest now we just send Herb out and he uses those fancy webs of his to grab every piece o’ corn we got. It’s great!”

            
The incident has sparked great debate amongst the comic book community, as well as many scientists turned down by the Buckles family when inquiring about possible studies that could be done on the young man.

            
“We don’t need no silly science people tellin’ us why our boy’s so special,” continues Norman. “We been growin’ crops for hundreds o’ years here, and this is just the Lord’s way of rewarding the Buckles family. We’re blessed, we really are.”

            
While some may empathize with the Buckles’ religious explanation for this blessing, a majority of the nation is angered by the fact that Herbert’s powers are being wasted performing agricultural improvements rather than fighting crime.

            
“The original Spider-Man’s slogan was ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’ Since when does unearthing cabbages fall under the category of ‘great responsibility’??” says one Marvel fan. “He should donate his body to science and allow someone with a little more initiative and courage to become Spider-Man!”

            
The Buckles family, however, does not attribute Herbert’s lack of motivation to questionable ethics but rather the financial woes they would face in sending him to a major city.

            
“Folks are thinkin’ we’ve just got horses takin’ people to New York City every day! We ain’t wealthy, even by Sugarcreek standards, and sendin’ Herb to the city is somethin’ we just can’t do,” says Norman.

            
A non-profit organization entitled BUS-M (Bring Us Spider-Man) has begun raising funds to send a large bus to Sugarcreek to retrieve Herbert and take him on a tour of the U.S. cities facing the most devastating crime problems. The company has already risen upwards of $4.8 million, far more than enough to commence with the tour, but have been unable to release waiver forms to the Buckles family due to their lack of e-mail, fax, or an address for delivery purposes.

I Pledge Allegiance to the Steak

It's a very funny and ironic thing that America is both the most powerful and overweight nation in the world. On the one hand, being the most economically powerful country has come coupled with the aspects of beauty, celebrity and general lust. However, the fact that accomplishing so much and accumulating so much money has driven America to an obesity crisis is downright sad...and a little hilarious. Let's review the situation:

As a nation so consumed (pun!) by its edible culture, America seems very invested in the idea of weight loss and a healthy lifestyle. Magazines promoting a healthy body image practically plague every corner, yet it has become custom to look at these magazines ("I'll probably try that workout next week!") and disregard them just as quickly. Why not attach a very large brick to every weight loss magazine? At least that way people would get somewhat of a workout, rather than spend their time staring at the chiseled men and women within the pages. When was the last time a serious case of physical self-improvement came out of a magazine? As somebody who derives their humor out of the ridiculousness of others (who doesn't?), I dread the day when haircuts, toenail clippings, excessive spitting and intentional sunburns (followed by the peeling of skin) become the norms of weight loss. I will not have my own preposterous nature become reality.

On the other hand, America's obsession with a good image has seemingly blossomed from the number one enemy of that image: food. While we spend bucket loads of money (what, you don't keep your money in a bucket?) on magazines, pills, treadmills and really heavy pieces of metal called weights, we spend twice as much (the number of buckets just doubled, stay with me) on the burgers, fries, sodas and chocolate bars that bring us right back to the treadmill. Seems a little redundant, don't you think?

All I'm saying is that there is blatant wastefulness, like throwing away clothing (I like to burn mine) that could be given to a charity of some sort, and then there's the behind-the-scenes, noticeable but ignored wastefulness of the food/image conundrum. I know that these weight loss programs and machines are businesses, just like McDonald's and Hershey's are businesses, and businesses generate money and products which do...something...for the economy (this is why I'm here and not belting this out at Wall Street), but I just feel like things could be handled so much more effectively if we stopped worrying so much about how we look and started considering lowering the Cokes in our hands. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm headed off to make myself a salad. Dressing on the side.

An Exercise in Parallelism

One thing I love about our world is that it is always presenting us with new opportunities and discoveries every day. Once such discovery was recently made by yours truly, and it involves two slightly normal events that are quite different in action yet shockingly similar in nature: the drunken one-night stand and the hungry trip to the grocery store.


Before I begin the chronicling of these two sagas, allow me to set up the situations. First: you’re out looking to have a good time with a few friends and some drinks (note: for a full understanding of this scenario one requires both friends and the financial potential to purchase drinks. I’m just trying to make it easier for you guys) and you come across a less-than-Beyonce-esque figure that you mistake for either a far more attractive woman or, depending on just how many ill-fated trips to the bar you make, Beyonce herself. From there, your night involves a lot of emptiness with a little blurriness and throw-uppyness in between.

Situation number two: you sleep through your alarm and thus start the day a little out of sync. You’re not really feeling too hungry in the morning, which is quickly becoming the afternoon, so you go for a little jog, which quickly becomes a little jog that you regret. You get home, relatively starving (like a kid at his last house on Halloween wearing a costume too elaborate to allow for walking candy intake) at this point but still far from calling up the World Food Programme, and realize your refrigerator is virtually empty save for some cottage cheese, salsa, Gatorade and a quarter gallon of milk. Unless you’re a wizard with the blender, it’s time for a grocery store run. You shower, change, hop in your car, curse at the traffic and finally arrive at your selected food haven wondering when you had your last meal and why things are starting to look blurry. Let’s begin…

Situation 1 –  10:45 PM – after a few drinks you can’t remember and some shots whose names you can’t pronounce, you’re starting to feel good.

Situation 2 – 2:05 PM – after a few aisles of snacks you’ve never seen and flavors you never really understood (mesquite?), you’re starting to feel good.

Situation 1—12:00 AM—okay, you’re drunk. You’re so drunk that you start telling yourself in your head that you’re drunk, and slowly those thoughts become mumblings to yourself. What the hell are you doing? And why did you just ask the bartender “what the hell are you doing?”

Situation 2—2:15 PM—okay, you’re a homeless man. You’re so hungry that you start eyeing the weird meats like olive loaf and head cheese and you wonder why you hadn’t tried them before, and slowly those inclinations become realities when you toss the Oscar Meyer-rejects into your cart. What the hell are you doing? And why does that Venezuelan kid look so delicious?

Situation 1—1:17 AM—you found her. Not “the one”, but “the one who has had as many Ginrumtequila Tonics as you have and wants to go home with you”. Awesome.

Situation 2—2:27 PM—you found it. Not “the chips”, but “the chips with enough conflicting flavors and pictures of the actual chips on them to make their way into your cart”. Awesome.

Situation 1—1:32 AM—things are getting good (from your, I mean Jack Daniels’, perspective) in the cab home. So good, in fact, that you don’t realize that you gave the driver directions to the house you grew up in, which is located approximately four hours away. You quickly flip things around with a jumble of words you hope sounded logical enough for the cabby to understand, and you’re on your way.

Situation 2—2:46 PM—things are getting good in line at the cash register as you snag all your last-minute Reese’s Pieces and Tic Tacs. So good, in fact, that you don’t realize you gave the cashier your credit card when there’s no way your bank account can take the $400+ hit you’re about to give it. You quickly flip things around by not giving a shit and vowing not to return to the grocery store (or the mall, or the gas station, or anywhere) for a year, and you’re on your way.

Situation 1—1:45 AM—it’s time to indulge in your winnings. You’re not quite sure how it happened, but you’re getting laid and you know you probably won’t remember it in the morning. After the fact, you promptly fall asleep (surely she does the same) and await the morning’s surprises.

Situation 2—3:18 PM—it’s time to indulge in your purchase. You’re not quite sure what you bought, but you’re stuffing food in your mouth (and a little change that was caught in the fray) and you know you probably won’t leave the bathroom for the rest of the night. After the fact, you promptly fall asleep covered in your own sweat and filth and feel more satisfied and disgusting than you ever have before.

Situation 1—11:26 AM—what were you thinking? You don’t want to feel shallow, but your “date” smells like something that had lived in a hamster cage at one point and her t-shirt, which was carelessly tossed on the ground, reads “Ho-Town” in rhinestones. And you only picked it up because before you saw the word you thought it was yours. You check the label. Men’s large. The name on the tag reads “Bertha”.

Situation 2—4:52 PM—what were you thinking? You don’t want to feel like John Goodman, but your “shirt” smells like something that had been immersed in every garnish in existence and the food packages, which were carelessly tossed on the ground, read “king size” on every one. And you only began picking them up because you couldn’t see the floor anymore. You check the label of one box. 24-pack of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. It’s empty.

Situation 1—11:54 PM—Bertha awakes and you do your best to shuffle her out of your house. Her caveman noises and consistently unpleasant behavior come across as some sort of indication of unhappiness with your decision, but you can’t be sure. Once she’s gone, you return to the scene of the crime where you promptly discard all remnants of the night and conspire to set fire to your bedroom. Unfortunately, your thin budget wouldn’t allow for redecoration. Oh well.

Situation 2—5:10 PM—you do your best to alleviate your home of all the foolish food products your purchased in your starvation-fueled haze. The tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Doughnut Chunk Double Fudge Ice Cream and Extended Family Size bags of Ranch, Bacon and Nacho Cheese Doritos come across as some indication that you have a problem, but you can’t be sure (you’re pretty sure). Once everything’s cleaned up, you sit quietly and contemplate ways to discard all remnants of your afternoon and conspire to relieve yourself in many different ways in the bathroom later on. Unfortunately, your thin budget wouldn’t allow for liposuction. Oh well.

            

So you see, there is magic in the world. Every day new discoveries like this are being made—mostly more effective discoveries that contribute far more to society, but discoveries nonetheless. I only hope I could teach some lessons with my wisdom and that you use any information you gain from this study to make me very, very rich. I really need to burn down my bedroom and get some liposuction.

Sky Mall: For the Superspy In You

Only with the proper jetlag...

In my most recent travels, I came across a realization while flipping through the phenomenal literary offerings of Delta Airlines: for some strange reason that is lost on me and surely countless others, the in-flight magazine Sky Mall seems to be under the impression that people really enjoy touching up on their espionage and pet-related needs while crammed into an undersized seat for hours on end next to a sleeping, drooling gentleman who recently dined on raw eggs and tuna fish. Now, that may be a lot to take in, so allow me to break it down by describing some of the more memorable potential purchases in Sky Mall and the outlandish prices that few this side of Beverly Hills would be willing to pay.

1. Smart Ramp - $119.00

Remember how irritated you got the last time you took your dog for a drive and had to listen to him or her complain the entire time about how frustrating it was leaping in and out of the vehicle? Neither do I. The smart ramp is essentially a series of $119 jumps of about 2 feet by an animal that is athletically superior to the idiot humans that may buy such a product. And talk about a niche market: people who own extremely large, sick, very old dogs might just find this product useful. Or you could just stop taking your dog in the fucking car and buy an iPod.

2. Digital Video Spy Camera Watch - $99.95

Quick: when was the most recent incident you underwent in which you really thought "man, I wish I had stealthily caught all of that on film from an awkward and constantly-moving angle". The answer should be never. If the name of this product isn't ridiculous enough (and thoroughly embarrassing to be found on your credit card bill), you could lament on the fact that costs about a hundred bucks and would serve little purpose to anybody but Agent Cody Banks.

3. Litter Robots - $249.99 - $314.99

Take a look at that price one more time. Now, take a look at little Timmy who lives next door. What does he spend his money on? Baseball cards? Chocolate bars? Condoms? Except for the funny one (Timmy's mom doesn't let him eat candy...), all of those items would cost Timmy less than $10 or a brief moment of distraction and a grade school snatch-and-run to obtain. What I'm saying is, why the hell would one pay three hundred bucks for a litter robot (at this point the guys at MasterCard are just laughing at you) when little Timmy can change your damn cat's litter for a few bucks and an entirely too early resume builder? Common sense, people. Plus, how uncomfortable does the cat in that picture look?

4. Video Screen Microscope - $299.95

Let's be honest. If you're the kind of person that wants to pay three hundred bucks for a video screen microscope, you probably don't get out of the house long enough to even book a flight and read a Sky Mall. Go back to studying whatever it is you're studying and save yourself some money.

That's all I've got for now. If you peruse Sky Mall for a good ten, fifteen seconds, you'll probably find more. But who has the time to write about all that bullshit?

Apple to Freeze Steve Jobs, Use Brain Power to Generate Brand New Device

It began with the Macintosh computer. His first creation. A cornerstone in the history of technology and the foundation for the modern world's most powerful tool.


Then, it was the iPod: a handheld music device that could play downloadable files from the equally innovative music store creation iTunes, storing hundreds of times more songs than those pesky CDs people were so tempted to use as frisbees. The iPod was lightweight, simple, stylish, and practical.


Then, Steve Jobs released what is perhaps his greatest creation: the computer, the iPod, and the cellphone were all merged together to create the iPhone. It changed the expectations people held with their mobile phones and represented a peak in technological convenience. And he wasn't finished.


Deemed "the gadget you had no idea you needed," the iPad brought the human race shockingly close to the mythical world reflected in every science fiction film of the past 30 years. Finally, we could literally hold the internet in our hands, hold books in our hands, watch (an acceptable-sized) movies in our hands.  Steve Jobs had officially made everything way cooler.


That's why, when the tragic day of Steve Jobs' death fell upon us barely two weeks ago, his monumental creation Apple decided to do for him what he had done for the technology industry: make his the sleekest, most revolutionary burial anyone has ever seen. The only catch? He's not being buried, he's being frozen.


"When he first heard about his cancer, Steve approached me with the concept of a completely human-brain-powered Apple product that could far surpass any technology introduced before it," says his long-time business partner Steve Wozniak. "He had all the calculations and science mapped out for me and...by God, it was brilliant."


The device, aptly dubbed the "iSteve", can perform all the functions of a computer, cellphone, refrigerator, dishwasher, toaster and leaf blower, XBox (Microsoft founder Bill Gates was included in the posthumous agreement to use Jobs' body, now being called "The Geekstitution"), PlayStation and Nintendo Wii...all in a faster, sleeker and more stylish manner. And, with its complimentary detachable wheels, the iSteve can reach speeds of up to 140 mph in under 3 seconds.


"The amount of renewable energy we've been able to harvest from Steve's brain has been astounding," says Gates, who assisted in the construction of the device. "It requires charging once every three years and takes only 8 minutes to reach full capacity."


The iSteve resembles a very large, pearl-white egg, with a neat panel of touch-screen buttons at the top where functions, such as maximizing the device's 6'x6' screen or releasing the revolutionary 2-inch "iLeaf" blower, can be performed. A large apple logo can be found at the polar opposite end of the iSteve which, when pressed, causes the white of the machine to fade away and reveal Jobs' pristine body dressed in his usual black turtleneck and jeans in its center.


Apple was unwilling to reveal the science behind utilizing Jobs' brain, which they claim is "one of a kind" in its tolerance for the iSteve's flurry of functions, but the public is inclined to believe there will be only one available at this time. Wozniak, however, has led reporters to believe that his death will bring about the iSteve 2, which is sure to revolutionize the blossoming frozen genius industry.


The iSteve is currently selling for $4.5 million on Apple's website or the iTunes Store, though no confirmed buyers have been identified. Grab yours today!