It began with the Macintosh computer. His first creation. A cornerstone in the history of technology and the foundation for the modern world's most powerful tool.
Then, it was the iPod: a handheld music device that could play downloadable files from the equally innovative music store creation iTunes, storing hundreds of times more songs than those pesky CDs people were so tempted to use as frisbees. The iPod was lightweight, simple, stylish, and practical.
Then, Steve Jobs released what is perhaps his greatest creation: the computer, the iPod, and the cellphone were all merged together to create the iPhone. It changed the expectations people held with their mobile phones and represented a peak in technological convenience. And he wasn't finished.
Deemed "the gadget you had no idea you needed," the iPad brought the human race shockingly close to the mythical world reflected in every science fiction film of the past 30 years. Finally, we could literally hold the internet in our hands, hold books in our hands, watch (an acceptable-sized) movies in our hands. Steve Jobs had officially made everything way cooler.
That's why, when the tragic day of Steve Jobs' death fell upon us barely two weeks ago, his monumental creation Apple decided to do for him what he had done for the technology industry: make his the sleekest, most revolutionary burial anyone has ever seen. The only catch? He's not being buried, he's being frozen.
"When he first heard about his cancer, Steve approached me with the concept of a completely human-brain-powered Apple product that could far surpass any technology introduced before it," says his long-time business partner Steve Wozniak. "He had all the calculations and science mapped out for me and...by God, it was brilliant."
The device, aptly dubbed the "iSteve", can perform all the functions of a computer, cellphone, refrigerator, dishwasher, toaster and leaf blower, XBox (Microsoft founder Bill Gates was included in the posthumous agreement to use Jobs' body, now being called "The Geekstitution"), PlayStation and Nintendo Wii...all in a faster, sleeker and more stylish manner. And, with its complimentary detachable wheels, the iSteve can reach speeds of up to 140 mph in under 3 seconds.
"The amount of renewable energy we've been able to harvest from Steve's brain has been astounding," says Gates, who assisted in the construction of the device. "It requires charging once every three years and takes only 8 minutes to reach full capacity."
The iSteve resembles a very large, pearl-white egg, with a neat panel of touch-screen buttons at the top where functions, such as maximizing the device's 6'x6' screen or releasing the revolutionary 2-inch "iLeaf" blower, can be performed. A large apple logo can be found at the polar opposite end of the iSteve which, when pressed, causes the white of the machine to fade away and reveal Jobs' pristine body dressed in his usual black turtleneck and jeans in its center.
Apple was unwilling to reveal the science behind utilizing Jobs' brain, which they claim is "one of a kind" in its tolerance for the iSteve's flurry of functions, but the public is inclined to believe there will be only one available at this time. Wozniak, however, has led reporters to believe that his death will bring about the iSteve 2, which is sure to revolutionize the blossoming frozen genius industry.
The iSteve is currently selling for $4.5 million on Apple's website or the iTunes Store, though no confirmed buyers have been identified. Grab yours today!
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