Anyone in America with their finger somewhere near the pulse of popular culture has heard of and has a basic understanding of Spider-Man. As humans, however, we are bound by the limitations of our physical environment and thus understand the notorious superhero as a work of fiction, more specifically that of comic books. While the actions and subsequent lessons learned from superheroes are applicable to everyday life and draw upon our emotions to improve their effectiveness, ultimately they are a source of entertainment in the form of an impossible reality—that is, until scientists revealed a miraculous discovery this weekend in the small, unimposing town of Sugarcreek, Ohio.
A tiny Amish community with a population of about 4,000, Sugarcreek is to America’s geography what the nipple is to the male anatomy: though performing virtually no function, it nonetheless exists. However, an important detail to remember when considering Sugarcreek is that amazing things are happening every day, no matter whom they happen to or where they happen. In the case of this tiny Ohio town, amazingness comes in the form of our beloved Spider-Man being brought to life.
Herbert Buckles, a seventeen-year-old farmhand born and raised in the heart of Sugarcreek, claims that two years ago he was bitten by a mysterious insect (now confirmed to be of the species arachnid) while tending to his family’s crops and has since then been blessed with incredible powers that have never been seen before—at least not in real life.
“It was about a day ‘er two after the sumbitch bit me,” explains Buckles, “and I was tryin’ to git this rake my Pa’d left up on the barn roof the day before. I was jumpin’ up, reachin’ for it, and soon enough I found myself stuck onto the wall like a gosh darn field slug.”
Buckles goes on to elaborate on his powers, which include spectacular strength he had been unable to summon prior to the bite and the ability to launch a sticky, web-like substance from his wrist, which he calls his “harvestin’ ropes”.
“It’s really sped up a lot of our work in the fields,” says Herbert’s father, Norman. “Whenever we’ve got a new harvest now we just send Herb out and he uses those fancy webs of his to grab every piece o’ corn we got. It’s great!”
The incident has sparked great debate amongst the comic book community, as well as many scientists turned down by the Buckles family when inquiring about possible studies that could be done on the young man.
“We don’t need no silly science people tellin’ us why our boy’s so special,” continues Norman. “We been growin’ crops for hundreds o’ years here, and this is just the Lord’s way of rewarding the Buckles family. We’re blessed, we really are.”
While some may empathize with the Buckles’ religious explanation for this blessing, a majority of the nation is angered by the fact that Herbert’s powers are being wasted performing agricultural improvements rather than fighting crime.
“The original Spider-Man’s slogan was ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’ Since when does unearthing cabbages fall under the category of ‘great responsibility’??” says one Marvel fan. “He should donate his body to science and allow someone with a little more initiative and courage to become Spider-Man!”
The Buckles family, however, does not attribute Herbert’s lack of motivation to questionable ethics but rather the financial woes they would face in sending him to a major city.
“Folks are thinkin’ we’ve just got horses takin’ people to New York City every day! We ain’t wealthy, even by Sugarcreek standards, and sendin’ Herb to the city is somethin’ we just can’t do,” says Norman.
A non-profit organization entitled BUS-M (Bring Us Spider-Man) has begun raising funds to send a large bus to Sugarcreek to retrieve Herbert and take him on a tour of the U.S. cities facing the most devastating crime problems. The company has already risen upwards of $4.8 million, far more than enough to commence with the tour, but have been unable to release waiver forms to the Buckles family due to their lack of e-mail, fax, or an address for delivery purposes.
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