Sky Mall: For the Superspy In You

Only with the proper jetlag...

In my most recent travels, I came across a realization while flipping through the phenomenal literary offerings of Delta Airlines: for some strange reason that is lost on me and surely countless others, the in-flight magazine Sky Mall seems to be under the impression that people really enjoy touching up on their espionage and pet-related needs while crammed into an undersized seat for hours on end next to a sleeping, drooling gentleman who recently dined on raw eggs and tuna fish. Now, that may be a lot to take in, so allow me to break it down by describing some of the more memorable potential purchases in Sky Mall and the outlandish prices that few this side of Beverly Hills would be willing to pay.

1. Smart Ramp - $119.00

Remember how irritated you got the last time you took your dog for a drive and had to listen to him or her complain the entire time about how frustrating it was leaping in and out of the vehicle? Neither do I. The smart ramp is essentially a series of $119 jumps of about 2 feet by an animal that is athletically superior to the idiot humans that may buy such a product. And talk about a niche market: people who own extremely large, sick, very old dogs might just find this product useful. Or you could just stop taking your dog in the fucking car and buy an iPod.

2. Digital Video Spy Camera Watch - $99.95

Quick: when was the most recent incident you underwent in which you really thought "man, I wish I had stealthily caught all of that on film from an awkward and constantly-moving angle". The answer should be never. If the name of this product isn't ridiculous enough (and thoroughly embarrassing to be found on your credit card bill), you could lament on the fact that costs about a hundred bucks and would serve little purpose to anybody but Agent Cody Banks.

3. Litter Robots - $249.99 - $314.99

Take a look at that price one more time. Now, take a look at little Timmy who lives next door. What does he spend his money on? Baseball cards? Chocolate bars? Condoms? Except for the funny one (Timmy's mom doesn't let him eat candy...), all of those items would cost Timmy less than $10 or a brief moment of distraction and a grade school snatch-and-run to obtain. What I'm saying is, why the hell would one pay three hundred bucks for a litter robot (at this point the guys at MasterCard are just laughing at you) when little Timmy can change your damn cat's litter for a few bucks and an entirely too early resume builder? Common sense, people. Plus, how uncomfortable does the cat in that picture look?

4. Video Screen Microscope - $299.95

Let's be honest. If you're the kind of person that wants to pay three hundred bucks for a video screen microscope, you probably don't get out of the house long enough to even book a flight and read a Sky Mall. Go back to studying whatever it is you're studying and save yourself some money.

That's all I've got for now. If you peruse Sky Mall for a good ten, fifteen seconds, you'll probably find more. But who has the time to write about all that bullshit?