Liam Neeson Follows Lead of Celebrities Prince and Diddy, Changes Name to "Epic"

The quirks of celebrity have been both celebrated for innovation and chastised for viciously grabbing attention, but if there is one thing the non-VIP public can claim with certainty it's that they are almost always entertaining. There's something about the distance between us common folk and those in positions of fame that gives us comfort in bearing witness to the absurd incidents these people bring upon themselves, and while many are disturbing (Eddie Murphy, I'm looking at you), there are plenty to be taken lightly and in good humor. Celebrity names, for instance, have been thrust into the spotlight on countless occasions--whether applied to the celebrities themselves or their unfortunately fortunate offspring--and the result is frequently amusing.

Prince Rogers Nelson used the stage name Prince, which became the Love Symbol, who was actually the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, who was actually Who The Fuck Cares We're All Gonna Call You Prince Anyway. Sean Combs began Puff Daddy, decided to initial the Puff and replace that pesky "a" with an "i", becoming P. Diddy, then eventually experienced some serious trauma associated with the letter "P" and decided to stick simply with Diddy. The public, as with Prince, declined to give any fucks. Diddy he became.

Now these are merely two of the many examples available in the vein of celebrity name ridiculousness, but they do relate closely with the most recent change--perhaps the most unexpected we've ever seen. Liam Neeson, star of films such as Schindler's List, Star Wars - Episode 1, and Batman Begins, has decided to legally change his first name from Liam to Epic.

"It all started with a couple kids I ran into at a bar," says Epic, two hours removed from filling out the paperwork that would change his life and identity forever. "They just kept explaining to me how absolutely legendary and epic the roles I took on were...and I couldn't refute them."

Indeed, Neeson has taken on some incredibly high-scale and reality-transcending roles in his lifetime that do beg the question: has he taken acting to an entirely new level? With parts as a benevolent Nazi who saved the lives of thousands of Jews during World War 2 in List, the trainer of legendary DC Comic superhero Batman in Begins, King Aslan of Narnia in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Greek God Zeus in Clash of the Titans, Obi-Wan Kenobi's Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn in Star Wars, and one badass motherfucker in Taken. In short, Liam Neeson rarely takes on a role in which the maximum quantity of potential ass can be kicked, and very rarely takes on a role that wouldn't widely be considered "epic." Hence the change.

"I can see the name change getting me some pretty big roles," continues Epic, looking far less Godly in a t-shirt and jeans. "Many films contain the word 'epic' in their previews as a marketing technique, but I've never seen the word used as a name--or even simply to describe--an actor in the film. It's a new age for cinema."

For the public, Epic Neeson will remain a powerful force in Hollywood that will draw massive audiences to his surefire hit flicks. Most recently, and still under the name Liam, he released snowy survival film The Grey, which won the weekend box office with ease and doesn't seem to be slowing down. As his final film under his old name, it will be intriguing to see if pre-Epic Neeson can still summon up epic grosses at theaters across the world.

Wyoming Man Steps Up, Agrees to Portray Internet For Frustrated Users

We've all had those moments of utter fury: midway through a YouTube video, a chat, or something simple as a tweet, the tiny darkened bars in the top corner of your computer screen disappear and for a brief second your precious internet connection has been lost. It may return in seconds, minutes, or even hours, but the inexplicable nature of the event and the subsequent frustration it causes simply requires some sort of output, something that can be done to cure your exasperation. Experienced users all deal with the problem the same way: you unplug the router for ten, maybe twenty seconds, and then plug it back in. Voila. The situation has been cured, and you are safely able to get back to work...or mounds of disturbing pornography. However, deep inside your consciousness, the fear remains: when will this odd and magical entity I am so devoted to lose itself again, and what will be interrupted next?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Phillip Angus of Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Phillip grew up a simple man, living on a farm with his six brothers and sisters and preparing himself for a life of agriculture and minimal means. Still, Phillip's warm heart and deep, unprovoked love for others drove him outside his quiet farm world and into the spotlight when he took on an interesting burden--and the public responded.

"My family and I only just got internet on our farm six months ago, but we could never understand those darned times when we'd just get...cut off!" Angus explained, standing facing a line of eager individuals as they approach him, briefly assault him, and leave out the door behind him.

Mr. Angus, it appears, has taken it upon himself to act as a physical manifestation of the world wide web, a person capable of receiving and feeling pain as opposed to an enigmatic, intangible entity. For only $1, frustrated internet users are able to carefully approach Phillip, enact any sort of physical damage they wish to bestow upon him for a period no longer than 3 seconds, and depart in peace.

"It's really changed the way our family functions," claims one satisfied user, "my husband's heavy drinking would always get kicked off by some mild frustration like losing internet connection. With Mr. Angus around, he simply walks four blocks to the Internet's room and takes out his anger there. He's been sober for over three weeks!"

Other interesting tales from Mr. Angus include an overly frustrated man who attempted to exterminate "Phillipnet," as followers have been calling him, with an active grenade. Phillipnet's top-notch security was able to apprehend the suspect prior to detonation, however, and the frustration outlet's life was maintained.

"I've always loved helpin' people, and this seemed like one of the last true ways I could do it," he says, frequently addressing the fact that he wouldn't make people pay for the service but he has no other income since leaving the farm. "It don't really hurt me anymore, I'm actually kinda starting to enjoy it!"

Whether or not we will ever see another individual as selfless as this one is hard to say, but for now we should all appreciate the dear, dear services of Mr. Phillip "Phillipnet" Angus.

R&B Star Lloyd Speaks Candidly About True Meaning of Hit Song

With momentous events like Chris Brown's unforgivable beating of former girlfriend Rihanna and Kanye West's rude-albeit-amusing microphone hijacking from Taylor Swift at the VMAs, many people in America today forget that musicians also possess a softer side. And, more often than not, that side gets enveloped by the public's perception of a particular incident or song lyric, dwarfing the intended message and harming the very fabric of that musician's emotional core. Well, this is one blogger who refuses to let another angst-ridden artist have his deep, emotional words given up to the public.

Enter Lloyd, and his hit song "Dedication to My Ex (Miss That)."

On the surface, "Dedication to My Ex" is a crude, lewd, and pretty fucking awesome song about Lloyd's desire to re-enter the vagina of a former flame - a vagina currently being utilized by another man. But beneath the surface, beneath the blanket of meaning draped over the song by the public's perception, there is a far more heart-wrenching story involved. In fact, in a recent interaction I was fortunate enough to have with Mr. Lloyd Polite, Jr. (awesome name by the way), he gave me a first-hand account of that exact story...and the result was life-changing.

"My parents got me Seymour for Christmas when I was 6 years old," he laments, his eyes transfixed on the corner wall of a small, downtown LA Starbucks. As he speaks, his glassy eyes try to hold back relentless tears and eventually a single droplet makes its way to the surface, rolling down his almond-colored skin until he brushes it away with a gentle motion. "He was my best friend."

In case anyone happens to be unaware, the chorus of "Dedication to My Ex" goes as follows: "Oh no, tell me where that pussy gone/'Cause it don't feel the same no more/I miss that pussy, that pussy, that pussy." While society, caught in the commonly held notion of R&B artists as womanizing partiers, has placed its label on the song, Lloyd maintains that there is a far deeper meaning surrounding its lyrics associated with his feline companion.

"You never really know what day is gonna be your last to see someone special, and when I woke up that morning...I just..." he continues, halting his emotional confession momentarily to once again hold back tears. This time, as I gently caress his hand to know he is in a place of love and not judgment, he breaks down into a full-on sob. I embrace the troubled artist, his suffering outweighing any potential embarrassment I could be feeling from the eyes of other Starbucks customers. Finally, he's able to bring himself to finish the story.

"I opened the window in my bedroom all the time. I couldn't have known he'd jump out and...and...the truck just came by so fast," he concludes, and at that point I knew no more words would be necessary. What has been recognized by all as a song about the loss of a lustful woman and her sexual prowess is simply a sad man's ode to a fallen furry friend. After composing himself and coming to the realization that his confession would only help him grow as an artist, Lloyd explained that he knew society would never embrace him as the fragile man he had become since losing Seymour, so he embedded the meaning in a song recorded to sound like a typical R&B hit. Even so, this is one reporter who has been touched by a heartfelt story of loss and will surely have a greater understanding of the plight of the R&B singer.

Just a Fuckton of Blue Ivy Jokes

So, as you and much of the world are aware, rapper/writer/producer/actor/entrepreneur/everything Jay-Z and singer/pretty-much-all-the-same-shit Beyonce, known here on out simply as "The Ultimate Power Couple," welcomed their daughter into the world just yesterday. And, in keeping with the absurd names celebrities have become forced to apply to their offspring, the two decided to name the girl Blue Ivy. Not the worst attention-grabbing naming celebrities have done (I'm looking at you, Apple Martin), but still strange nonetheless and prone to a number of hilarious observations. And, seeing as I specialize in the strange and hilarious, I've decided to present you with an onslaught of jokes dealing with the young Ms. Carter. Allow me to begin...

Eiffel 65 just climbed their way back to the top of the music game.

I was unaware that Jay-Z and Beyonce were cultivating a nemesis in their ongoing war against Batman.

This could be the first time in history that a duo decided to name their child after an unknown strain of marijuana.

Her first mixtape just dropped as I was writing this.

I wish I was there during the argument these two had about whether "Print" or "Ivy" would be the middle name. You can guess who was on each side.

I don't know who the next celebrity to give birth will be, but you can bet Kanye West will be by her side yelling "I'mma let you finish...but Beyonce gave her girl one of the best names of all time." Let's hope it isn't Taylor Swift.

Jay-Z should be prepared to crack a lot of guys in the face when they start making "I'm gonna plant my seed in Blue Ivy tonight" jokes.

Her second mixtape just dropped, and I'm hearing mumblings of a Grammy nod.

Can Blue Ivy and Willow Smith please get together and form a group called "Blue Ivy Growing On a Willow"?

That's all I've got for now, but I'm sure you've formulated some of your own by now. These could go on for years, let's be honest...

Rappers Come Forward: Actually Endorsed By United States Department of the Treasury

Whether it be shoes, clothes, or cars, we as a people like it when a popular, significant person endorses a product we use. Advertising generates interest within a society, helps businesses and stimulates the economy. What then, however, is inspring people to get out of their store-bought home interiors and actually purchase the products they pine after from the comfort of a couch? Recent discoveries tell us that there is one very real, very gangsta answer: the rap industry.


In a flurry of press releases beginning with Rick Ross and extending throughout the network of popular rap stars, the United States Department of Treasury has been revealed to possess intimate relations within the hip-hop world that have been exploited for benefit.


"When [President Barack] Obama took office, we all could tell that things be changin'," says Ross, the first of many artists to be incorporated into what Congress is calling the Bling-Bling Bill: any musician with a well-established fan base and the means to transmit their music to a mass audience will be compensated by the U.S. Department of the Treasury for lyrical emphasis on spending to stimulate the economy. Basically, the rap industry hit a literal goldmine.


"It was like we was gettin' paid for nothin'," says fellow rapper T.I., who was serving a prison sentence when the bill was enacted under the noses of the American people. "It used to be when people'd be Googlin' my name Texas Instruments was the first page to come up, but now I paid them Google boys off and the King right back on top."


As for the sudden emergence of the bill in the media, an explanation became clear when we began interviewing government employees on the issue.


"We voted on the bill on July 5th," says an unnamed congressman, "people were tired and weren't exactly prepared for work after Independence Day and frankly, I'll be honest, it's when our government performs at its worst." Whether or not this particular congressman disagrees with the signing of the bill or simply rap music in general is unknown.


For the time being, the Bling-Bling Bill remains in effect, and artists outside the rap community have just begun to take advantage of its benefits: superstar Britney Spears is set to release her next album, Pay Me One More Time, early on in the new year and singer Adele, who recently encountered critical acclaim with her album 21, plans on titling her next surefire hit $21 Million.


"It's about time the music industry got some recognition for their influence on the public, I reckon," says Adele, who's new single "Rolling in the Dough" is slated for an early-January release. Time will tell if the British star is accurate in her statement, but for now life is looking pretty golden for the music industry.

Kanye West, Jay-Z and Kim Kardashian Behind NBA Lockout Conspiracy

When the NBA began locking its players out over a hundred days ago, professional New Jersey Nets basketball player Kris Humphries and professional something Kim Kardashian were engaged to be married. It was America's answer to Prince William and Kate Middleton--a highly publicized, romanticized relationship that the country's pop culture fiends could really sink their teeth into. Unfortunately, the lack of any sort of royal component in the wedding and the miserable length of time during which the two stayed married reduced the nuptials, as we have become so accustomed to in this nation, to a trashy money-making scheme. Score one for big-breasted Armenian socialites, score zero for the millions of starving people around the world who don't really get any nutritional benefits from watching E! at 10:00 o'clock on Sunday nights. Who knew?


Sensing something fishy about the whole nature of the "relationship" between Humphries and Kardashian, your IHC field reporters delved further into the mysterious events--and what was discovered may shock and appall those unprepared to hear it.


In an interview with an unnamed representative for rapper and entrepreneur Sean "Jay-Z" Carter, it was discovered that Humphries had multiple run-ins with the superstar at a very early age, all of which left Carter bitter and itching for revenge.


"Jay's been tryin' to find this kid for years," explains the rep, "him and his boys used to throw eggs and s**t at his house back in the early 90's, and if there's one thing you oughta know about Jay it's that he don't fuck around when somebody punks him."


Humphries, who was just hitting adolescence at the time of Carter's escalation into the upper tier of the rap community, was a notorious prankster as a child and would target specific celebrity homes in Brooklyn, New York to wreak havoc on late weekend nights. Unfortunately for Humphries, he hadn't anticipated his childhood shenanigans catching up with him in the future.


In talking to Carter's representative, I was able to uncover the astonishing truth about many of the events that have taken place over the past few months. To begin, Carter called upon his partner and closest confidant Kanye West to, as he put it, "lay groundwork on that big booty dime." Reports of West flirting and possibly having a sexual relationship with Kardashian emerged months after she began dating Humphries, and an anonymous New Jersey Nets teammate reported frequent instances of heavy sobbing coming from the locker room after practices.


But Jay-Z wasn't done yet.


As a partial owner of the Nets, he used both his financial power and deep connections within the hip-hop and business worlds to manipulate and intimidate every owner in the NBA into locking out their players.


"We got signed early editions of 'Watch the Throne', it was a pretty easy decision," says Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who sacrificed his anonymity in this piece for a private concert from Carter's wife, Beyonce. The other owners, content with the deal, have reportedly been receiving threatening calls from rap artists ranging from Rick Ross to Lil' Wayne, saying that if the lockout doesn't continue until Humphries goes broke they will "cap a mothafucka real quick" [sic].


With Humphries' economic stability under his control, Carter moved to act on the plot he hatched with West in the months prior by crushing his social life. Reviving his relationship with Kardashian, West made it a point to annihilate the marriage as quickly as possible.


"She been sayin' I was the one she shoulda married, all this s**t," says West. "She just wanted to make sure it lasted long enough to avoid an annulment, said there ain't no publicity in that."


Reporters have been unable to contact Humphries regarding the blatant destruction of his life currently taking place at the hands of the rap megastars, but close friends have said he spends "little time not balled up with a tub of ice cream on his bed."


I suppose he'll think twice before he throws his next egg.

Amish Teen Discovered in Possession of Spider-Man Powers

            
Anyone in America with their finger somewhere near the pulse of popular culture has heard of and has a basic understanding of Spider-Man. As humans, however, we are bound by the limitations of our physical environment and thus understand the notorious superhero as a work of fiction, more specifically that of comic books. While the actions and subsequent lessons learned from superheroes are applicable to everyday life and draw upon our emotions to improve their effectiveness, ultimately they are a source of entertainment in the form of an impossible reality—that is, until scientists revealed a miraculous discovery this weekend in the small, unimposing town of Sugarcreek, Ohio.

            
A tiny Amish community with a population of about 4,000, Sugarcreek is to America’s geography what the nipple is to the male anatomy: though performing virtually no function, it nonetheless exists. However, an important detail to remember when considering Sugarcreek is that amazing things are happening every day, no matter whom they happen to or where they happen. In the case of this tiny Ohio town, amazingness comes in the form of our beloved Spider-Man being brought to life.

            
Herbert Buckles, a seventeen-year-old farmhand born and raised in the heart of Sugarcreek, claims that two years ago he was bitten by a mysterious insect (now confirmed to be of the species arachnid) while tending to his family’s crops and has since then been blessed with incredible powers that have never been seen before—at least not in real life.

            
“It was about a day ‘er two after the sumbitch bit me,” explains Buckles, “and I was tryin’ to git this rake my Pa’d left up on the barn roof the day before. I was jumpin’ up, reachin’ for it, and soon enough I found myself stuck onto the wall like a gosh darn field slug.”

            
Buckles goes on to elaborate on his powers, which include spectacular strength he had been unable to summon prior to the bite and the ability to launch a sticky, web-like substance from his wrist, which he calls his “harvestin’ ropes”.

            
“It’s really sped up a lot of our work in the fields,” says Herbert’s father, Norman. “Whenever we’ve got a new harvest now we just send Herb out and he uses those fancy webs of his to grab every piece o’ corn we got. It’s great!”

            
The incident has sparked great debate amongst the comic book community, as well as many scientists turned down by the Buckles family when inquiring about possible studies that could be done on the young man.

            
“We don’t need no silly science people tellin’ us why our boy’s so special,” continues Norman. “We been growin’ crops for hundreds o’ years here, and this is just the Lord’s way of rewarding the Buckles family. We’re blessed, we really are.”

            
While some may empathize with the Buckles’ religious explanation for this blessing, a majority of the nation is angered by the fact that Herbert’s powers are being wasted performing agricultural improvements rather than fighting crime.

            
“The original Spider-Man’s slogan was ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’ Since when does unearthing cabbages fall under the category of ‘great responsibility’??” says one Marvel fan. “He should donate his body to science and allow someone with a little more initiative and courage to become Spider-Man!”

            
The Buckles family, however, does not attribute Herbert’s lack of motivation to questionable ethics but rather the financial woes they would face in sending him to a major city.

            
“Folks are thinkin’ we’ve just got horses takin’ people to New York City every day! We ain’t wealthy, even by Sugarcreek standards, and sendin’ Herb to the city is somethin’ we just can’t do,” says Norman.

            
A non-profit organization entitled BUS-M (Bring Us Spider-Man) has begun raising funds to send a large bus to Sugarcreek to retrieve Herbert and take him on a tour of the U.S. cities facing the most devastating crime problems. The company has already risen upwards of $4.8 million, far more than enough to commence with the tour, but have been unable to release waiver forms to the Buckles family due to their lack of e-mail, fax, or an address for delivery purposes.