We've all had those moments of utter fury: midway through a YouTube video, a chat, or something simple as a tweet, the tiny darkened bars in the top corner of your computer screen disappear and for a brief second your precious internet connection has been lost. It may return in seconds, minutes, or even hours, but the inexplicable nature of the event and the subsequent frustration it causes simply requires some sort of output, something that can be done to cure your exasperation. Experienced users all deal with the problem the same way: you unplug the router for ten, maybe twenty seconds, and then plug it back in. Voila. The situation has been cured, and you are safely able to get back to work...or mounds of disturbing pornography. However, deep inside your consciousness, the fear remains: when will this odd and magical entity I am so devoted to lose itself again, and what will be interrupted next?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Phillip Angus of Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Phillip grew up a simple man, living on a farm with his six brothers and sisters and preparing himself for a life of agriculture and minimal means. Still, Phillip's warm heart and deep, unprovoked love for others drove him outside his quiet farm world and into the spotlight when he took on an interesting burden--and the public responded.
"My family and I only just got internet on our farm six months ago, but we could never understand those darned times when we'd just get...cut off!" Angus explained, standing facing a line of eager individuals as they approach him, briefly assault him, and leave out the door behind him.
Mr. Angus, it appears, has taken it upon himself to act as a physical manifestation of the world wide web, a person capable of receiving and feeling pain as opposed to an enigmatic, intangible entity. For only $1, frustrated internet users are able to carefully approach Phillip, enact any sort of physical damage they wish to bestow upon him for a period no longer than 3 seconds, and depart in peace.
"It's really changed the way our family functions," claims one satisfied user, "my husband's heavy drinking would always get kicked off by some mild frustration like losing internet connection. With Mr. Angus around, he simply walks four blocks to the Internet's room and takes out his anger there. He's been sober for over three weeks!"
Other interesting tales from Mr. Angus include an overly frustrated man who attempted to exterminate "Phillipnet," as followers have been calling him, with an active grenade. Phillipnet's top-notch security was able to apprehend the suspect prior to detonation, however, and the frustration outlet's life was maintained.
"I've always loved helpin' people, and this seemed like one of the last true ways I could do it," he says, frequently addressing the fact that he wouldn't make people pay for the service but he has no other income since leaving the farm. "It don't really hurt me anymore, I'm actually kinda starting to enjoy it!"
Whether or not we will ever see another individual as selfless as this one is hard to say, but for now we should all appreciate the dear, dear services of Mr. Phillip "Phillipnet" Angus.
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