Sensing something fishy about the whole nature of the "relationship" between Humphries and Kardashian, your IHC field reporters delved further into the mysterious events--and what was discovered may shock and appall those unprepared to hear it.
In an interview with an unnamed representative for rapper and entrepreneur Sean "Jay-Z" Carter, it was discovered that Humphries had multiple run-ins with the superstar at a very early age, all of which left Carter bitter and itching for revenge.
"Jay's been tryin' to find this kid for years," explains the rep, "him and his boys used to throw eggs and s**t at his house back in the early 90's, and if there's one thing you oughta know about Jay it's that he don't fuck around when somebody punks him."
Humphries, who was just hitting adolescence at the time of Carter's escalation into the upper tier of the rap community, was a notorious prankster as a child and would target specific celebrity homes in Brooklyn, New York to wreak havoc on late weekend nights. Unfortunately for Humphries, he hadn't anticipated his childhood shenanigans catching up with him in the future.
In talking to Carter's representative, I was able to uncover the astonishing truth about many of the events that have taken place over the past few months. To begin, Carter called upon his partner and closest confidant Kanye West to, as he put it, "lay groundwork on that big booty dime." Reports of West flirting and possibly having a sexual relationship with Kardashian emerged months after she began dating Humphries, and an anonymous New Jersey Nets teammate reported frequent instances of heavy sobbing coming from the locker room after practices.
But Jay-Z wasn't done yet.
As a partial owner of the Nets, he used both his financial power and deep connections within the hip-hop and business worlds to manipulate and intimidate every owner in the NBA into locking out their players.
"We got signed early editions of 'Watch the Throne', it was a pretty easy decision," says Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, who sacrificed his anonymity in this piece for a private concert from Carter's wife, Beyonce. The other owners, content with the deal, have reportedly been receiving threatening calls from rap artists ranging from Rick Ross to Lil' Wayne, saying that if the lockout doesn't continue until Humphries goes broke they will "cap a mothafucka real quick" [sic].
With Humphries' economic stability under his control, Carter moved to act on the plot he hatched with West in the months prior by crushing his social life. Reviving his relationship with Kardashian, West made it a point to annihilate the marriage as quickly as possible.
"She been sayin' I was the one she shoulda married, all this s**t," says West. "She just wanted to make sure it lasted long enough to avoid an annulment, said there ain't no publicity in that."
Reporters have been unable to contact Humphries regarding the blatant destruction of his life currently taking place at the hands of the rap megastars, but close friends have said he spends "little time not balled up with a tub of ice cream on his bed."
I suppose he'll think twice before he throws his next egg.
